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33 Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Lifestyle Designer

In: Life,

  1. You fantasize about ripping that freaking fish right off of the back of your neighbor’s Prius, and replacing it with a bumper sticker that reads Satan is my homeboy. And then videotaping their reaction from your bedroom window, and posting it on one of your several blogs. Evil laugh optional.
  2. It baffles you that there is no World Cultures for Dummies book, yet the following titles are somehow in print: Canadian Wine for Dummies, IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) for Dummies, Rabbits for Dummies, MySpace for Dummies & Raising Smart Kids for Dummies (Step one: If you’re currently pregnant, put down the Scotch.)  Obama, where you at, bro?
  3. You secretly always wanted to see Tony Micelli throw down his oven mitt & realize his potential as more than a glorified bitch. But not before he took Angela on the kitchen table.  Just once. Hopefully Mrs. Rossini doesn’t happen to be nosing around.
  4. You have a love/hate relationship with suits; on one hand, James Bond wears one, and you like this. On the other, well…James Bond doesn’t really exist, and you despise everything that a suit represents. Unless, of course, Angelina Jolie is wearing a blazer with no pants on.  Then all bets are off.
  5. You’ve engaged in sexual intercourse simply on the grounds that you couldn’t resist the accent. This may or may not have evolved into a long-term personal challenge to see how many “countries” you can add as a notch on your belt.
  6. You’ve been known to bust into spontaneous dance parties while driving with your left knee, and bobbing your head from side to side while simultaneously doing the wave and making faces at the person next to you at the stoplight. Mostly because this makes them extremely uncomfortable. This is funny to you.
  7. People fall wildly in love with you because of your sarcasm. Then, 6 months into the relationship, that same person complains that you never take anything seriously and you’re “insensitive.”
  8. You’ve been voted most likely to fake your own death and escape everyone and everything.
  9. You always thought you were smarter than your teacher, professor and/or boss. The day you called them out to correct their misuse of “immigrate” instead of “emigrate,” they silently admitted defeat and began covertly plotting your demise.
  10. At one point in your life, you contemplated becoming an airline pilot so you could see the world while working.
  11. You think a lot of things are stupid.
  12. You refuse to do stupid things.
  13. You’re routinely referred to as stubborn, pig-headed and/or an ungrateful for refusing to do aforementioned stupid things. Meanwhile, you can’t help but think the same about those people, but for opposite reasons.
  14. The idea of not having a cell phone is appealing.
  15. For you, I, Robot isn’t just a movie.
  16. You know what I meant by that.
  17. You don’t mind sitting in traffic, because you don’t really give a damn if you’re there “on time” or not. The concept of keeping time is a social construct in the first place.
  18. Speaking of time, you disagree with the statement “Time is money.” Silly buffoons, those mind renters.
  19. You laugh every time at Achmed.  (This really has nothing to do with lifestyle design, but whether or not you have a sense of humor.)
  20. You know who Achmed is.
  21. You’d have to seriously consider whether having The Donald’s fortune would be worth sacrificing your time and mobility. And hair.
  22. You’ve pondered how, exactly, a turban is wrapped. Bath towels don’t count, cheater.
  23. You look up to homeless people, in a way, because they are completely, utterly free to do whatever they want.
  24. You also look up to Indiana Jones, because, let’s face it: That hat was BAD–ASS.
  25. You’ve questioned religious teachings on more than one occasion; especially after they tried to convince you that a stale, moldy little crouton was actually the body of christ.
  26. Even though you shudder at the thought of wearing a fanny pack, you tolerate their existence because you have friends in four countries that still wear them.
  27. You drink alcohol in excess.  Mostly because you’re always in new social & cultural settings where everyone is inviting you out for a drink.
  28. You romanticize the idea of meeting the most intriguing guy/girl in a hip little coffee shop, where you have instant chemistry; within an hour the two of you are on your way to the nearest international airport, where you scan the departures for the next flight out to wherever, and you board on a whim. You have no luggage, and you could care less. Could life be any more exciting?
  29. You would actually do number 28.
  30. No Fear is still your favorite brand.  For obvious reasons.
  31. You’re more intimate with your laptop than your partner.
  32. You laughed at most of these, and can identify.
  33. You just read this post to the end and are immediately going to tweet/facebook/stumble it!

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52 thoughts on "33 Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Lifestyle Designer"

  1. Yup, this is amazing. My favorite is #6.

  2. Nina Yau says:

    You always make me laugh with your excellent sense of humor, Ash! And I totally dig #14. As a minimalist, I oftentimes wonder “what else can I possibly get rid of??”

    *look at my phone which I hardly use*

    “Yes, that’ll go next. Now NO ONE can reach me. I’ll be even more free!”

    *parents become extremely angered and frustrated at their “wild and rebellious” daughter*

    “HA!” I chuckle with amusement. But then give them a call from someone else’s phone to let them know I’m alright and still alive. Wherever I’m at.

    Life is good. 🙂

    1. Anonymous says:

      Life IS good. Always important to remember to laugh at it once and a while, eh? 😉 XO

  3. Brilliant! I laughed, I cried, and I relate to almost all of those! 🙂 Love the sense of humor! Keep up the awesome work!

    1. Anonymous says:

      This was one of my first posts ever – doing it throwback style! Glad you liked. 🙂