ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

Learn More >>

33 Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Lifestyle Designer

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

  1. You fantasize about ripping that freaking fish right off of the back of your neighbor's Prius, and replacing it with a bumper sticker that reads Satan is my homeboy. And then videotaping their reaction from your bedroom window, and posting it on one of your several blogs. Evil laugh optional.
  2. It baffles you that there is no World Cultures for Dummies book, yet the following titles are somehow in print: Canadian Wine for Dummies, IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) for Dummies, Rabbits for Dummies, MySpace for Dummies & Raising Smart Kids for Dummies (Step one: If you're currently pregnant, put down the Scotch.)  Obama, where you at, bro?
  3. You secretly always wanted to see Tony Micelli throw down his oven mitt & realize his potential as more than a glorified bitch. But not before he took Angela on the kitchen table.  Just once. Hopefully Mrs. Rossini doesn't happen to be nosing around.
  4. You have a love/hate relationship with suits; on one hand, James Bond wears one, and you like this. On the other, well…James Bond doesn't really exist, and you despise everything that a suit represents. Unless, of course, Angelina Jolie is wearing a blazer with no pants on.  Then all bets are off.
  5. You've engaged in sexual intercourse simply on the grounds that you couldn't resist the accent. This may or may not have evolved into a long-term personal challenge to see how many “countries” you can add as a notch on your belt.
  6. You've been known to bust into spontaneous dance parties while driving with your left knee, and bobbing your head from side to side while simultaneously doing the wave and making faces at the person next to you at the stoplight. Mostly because this makes them extremely uncomfortable. This is funny to you.
  7. People fall wildly in love with you because of your sarcasm. Then, 6 months into the relationship, that same person complains that you never take anything seriously and you're “insensitive.”
  8. You've been voted most likely to fake your own death and escape everyone and everything.
  9. You always thought you were smarter than your teacher, professor and/or boss. The day you called them out to correct their misuse of “immigrate” instead of “emigrate,” they silently admitted defeat and began covertly plotting your demise.
  10. At one point in your life, you contemplated becoming an airline pilot so you could see the world while working.
  11. You think a lot of things are stupid.
  12. You refuse to do stupid things.
  13. You're routinely referred to as stubborn, pig-headed and/or an ungrateful for refusing to do aforementioned stupid things. Meanwhile, you can't help but think the same about those people, but for opposite reasons.
  14. The idea of not having a cell phone is appealing.
  15. For you, I, Robot isn't just a movie.
  16. You know what I meant by that.
  17. You don't mind sitting in traffic, because you don't really give a damn if you're there “on time” or not. The concept of keeping time is a social construct in the first place.
  18. Speaking of time, you disagree with the statement “Time is money.” Silly buffoons, those mind renters.
  19. You laugh every time at Achmed.  (This really has nothing to do with lifestyle design, but whether or not you have a sense of humor.)
  20. You know who Achmed is.
  21. You'd have to seriously consider whether having The Donald's fortune would be worth sacrificing your time and mobility. And hair.
  22. You've pondered how, exactly, a turban is wrapped. Bath towels don't count, cheater.
  23. You look up to homeless people, in a way, because they are completely, utterly free to do whatever they want.
  24. You also look up to Indiana Jones, because, let's face it: That hat was BAD–ASS.
  25. You've questioned religious teachings on more than one occasion; especially after they tried to convince you that a stale, moldy little crouton was actually the body of christ.
  26. Even though you shudder at the thought of wearing a fanny pack, you tolerate their existence because you have friends in four countries that still wear them.
  27. You drink alcohol in excess.  Mostly because you're always in new social & cultural settings where everyone is inviting you out for a drink.
  28. You romanticize the idea of meeting the most intriguing guy/girl in a hip little coffee shop, where you have instant chemistry; within an hour the two of you are on your way to the nearest international airport, where you scan the departures for the next flight out to wherever, and you board on a whim. You have no luggage, and you could care less. Could life be any more exciting?
  29. You would actually do number 28.
  30. No Fear is still your favorite brand.  For obvious reasons.
  31. You're more intimate with your laptop than your partner.
  32. You laughed at most of these, and can identify.
  33. You just read this post to the end and are immediately going to tweet/facebook/stumble it!
Feb 8

2019

I Hate Mantras, And YET—I Love This One for When You’re Kinda Sorta Shitting Your Pants

I have a mantra (despite wanting to slit my throat upon hearing the word “mantra.”) Are you ready? My mantra is this: WHO CARES HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? GO ANYWAY. Which sounds really kinda wrong, right? We’re a culture based on f-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-i-n-g-s. But sometimes, you have to override the ones that I call false […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life

READ MORE >>

Jun 25

2012

A Tearful Birthday

Yesterday was my birthday. I flew from Ecuador to Chile on Friday so I could spend my birthday with my best girl friends in the whole wide world. Sure enough, they surprised me in the airport with glittery welcome back posters, prompting me to scream like a hyena. I had no idea they were coming. […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ MORE >>

Jun 23

2010

Why Rule Breakers Run the World

I’ll admit it–I’m a tad embarrassed. I can’t decide if I’m embarrassed in light of the nonchalant display of nudity that is currently lounging alongside of me–quite proudly, and with reason, if I do say so myself–on this clothing optional beach, or if I’m embarrassed for another reason–perhaps at my own relative prudishness, something that […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ MORE >>

Feb 11

2010

Education & Wage Slavery: Hand In Hand?

A no-nonsense look at the education system’s hidden agenda–why we’re being taught what to think, instead of how to think, and how this affects not only us, but the bigger picture at hand. Put on your thinking caps for this one. (P.S. Please don’t egg my house if this makes you angry.)

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ MORE >>

Dec 20

2012

Always Do. You’ll Be Glad You Did.

If you walked in the door right now, I don’t know if I’d run and hug you hard, or if you’d seem like a stranger now. I’d like to think that I’d hug you. I’d like to think that I’d bury my face into your chest and you’d smell like your old cologne–which kind, I […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ MORE >>

Exclusive VIP Access

Join The Middle Finger Project mafia—over 75,000+ disobedient humans strong—and as a welcome gift (which I promise won’t be a thug named Vinny), I’ll send you a top secret discount code for our best-selling courses, kits and workshops. Because #SOLIDARITY.

It’s free, and you’ll also get new posts every week, plus at least one GIF of Betty White for the win.

Privacy Policy Info Here