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33 Tell-Tale Signs You’re a Closet Lifestyle Designer

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

  1. You fantasize about ripping that freaking fish right off of the back of your neighbor's Prius, and replacing it with a bumper sticker that reads Satan is my homeboy. And then videotaping their reaction from your bedroom window, and posting it on one of your several blogs. Evil laugh optional.
  2. It baffles you that there is no World Cultures for Dummies book, yet the following titles are somehow in print: Canadian Wine for Dummies, IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) for Dummies, Rabbits for Dummies, MySpace for Dummies & Raising Smart Kids for Dummies (Step one: If you're currently pregnant, put down the Scotch.)  Obama, where you at, bro?
  3. You secretly always wanted to see Tony Micelli throw down his oven mitt & realize his potential as more than a glorified bitch. But not before he took Angela on the kitchen table.  Just once. Hopefully Mrs. Rossini doesn't happen to be nosing around.
  4. You have a love/hate relationship with suits; on one hand, James Bond wears one, and you like this. On the other, well…James Bond doesn't really exist, and you despise everything that a suit represents. Unless, of course, Angelina Jolie is wearing a blazer with no pants on.  Then all bets are off.
  5. You've engaged in sexual intercourse simply on the grounds that you couldn't resist the accent. This may or may not have evolved into a long-term personal challenge to see how many “countries” you can add as a notch on your belt.
  6. You've been known to bust into spontaneous dance parties while driving with your left knee, and bobbing your head from side to side while simultaneously doing the wave and making faces at the person next to you at the stoplight. Mostly because this makes them extremely uncomfortable. This is funny to you.
  7. People fall wildly in love with you because of your sarcasm. Then, 6 months into the relationship, that same person complains that you never take anything seriously and you're “insensitive.”
  8. You've been voted most likely to fake your own death and escape everyone and everything.
  9. You always thought you were smarter than your teacher, professor and/or boss. The day you called them out to correct their misuse of “immigrate” instead of “emigrate,” they silently admitted defeat and began covertly plotting your demise.
  10. At one point in your life, you contemplated becoming an airline pilot so you could see the world while working.
  11. You think a lot of things are stupid.
  12. You refuse to do stupid things.
  13. You're routinely referred to as stubborn, pig-headed and/or an ungrateful for refusing to do aforementioned stupid things. Meanwhile, you can't help but think the same about those people, but for opposite reasons.
  14. The idea of not having a cell phone is appealing.
  15. For you, I, Robot isn't just a movie.
  16. You know what I meant by that.
  17. You don't mind sitting in traffic, because you don't really give a damn if you're there “on time” or not. The concept of keeping time is a social construct in the first place.
  18. Speaking of time, you disagree with the statement “Time is money.” Silly buffoons, those mind renters.
  19. You laugh every time at Achmed.  (This really has nothing to do with lifestyle design, but whether or not you have a sense of humor.)
  20. You know who Achmed is.
  21. You'd have to seriously consider whether having The Donald's fortune would be worth sacrificing your time and mobility. And hair.
  22. You've pondered how, exactly, a turban is wrapped. Bath towels don't count, cheater.
  23. You look up to homeless people, in a way, because they are completely, utterly free to do whatever they want.
  24. You also look up to Indiana Jones, because, let's face it: That hat was BAD–ASS.
  25. You've questioned religious teachings on more than one occasion; especially after they tried to convince you that a stale, moldy little crouton was actually the body of christ.
  26. Even though you shudder at the thought of wearing a fanny pack, you tolerate their existence because you have friends in four countries that still wear them.
  27. You drink alcohol in excess.  Mostly because you're always in new social & cultural settings where everyone is inviting you out for a drink.
  28. You romanticize the idea of meeting the most intriguing guy/girl in a hip little coffee shop, where you have instant chemistry; within an hour the two of you are on your way to the nearest international airport, where you scan the departures for the next flight out to wherever, and you board on a whim. You have no luggage, and you could care less. Could life be any more exciting?
  29. You would actually do number 28.
  30. No Fear is still your favorite brand.  For obvious reasons.
  31. You're more intimate with your laptop than your partner.
  32. You laughed at most of these, and can identify.
  33. You just read this post to the end and are immediately going to tweet/facebook/stumble it!
May 18


When You Feel Like a Hot Mess Full of Walking Contradictions and WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT IS YOUR LIFE?

May 18, 2017

You don’t have to choose, you know. You can be intelligent…and sensual. Extroverted…and introverted. Complex…and simple. You…and someone who’s evolving into someone else. Sometimes, in an effort to finally define who the fuck we are, we start putting ourselves into the little boxes voluntarily—the same ones that we spent our earlier years trying to escape. […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life


May 10



May 10, 2018

You know those creeps who never drink any water and you’re all, “BUT YOUR CELLS! YOUR CELLS ARE SHRIVELING LIKE LITTLE CALIFORNIA RAISINS!”  (Unless this is the kind of thing that only goes through my brain, in which case, welcome to my inner landscape, ya’ll.) I feel the same way about time. There are so many people who aren’t drinking […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life


Feb 8


I Hate Mantras, And YET—I Love This One for When You’re Kinda Sorta Shitting Your Pants

Feb 8, 2019

I have a mantra (despite wanting to slit my throat upon hearing the word “mantra.”) Are you ready? My mantra is this: WHO CARES HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT? GO ANYWAY. Which sounds really kinda wrong, right? We’re a culture based on f-e-e-e-e-e-e-l-i-n-g-s. But sometimes, you have to override the ones that I call false […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life


Nov 5


Where’s Your God Damn Pineapple?

Nov 5, 2012

There’s always a reason why you shouldn’t. Shouldn’t spend the money. Shouldn’t be so frivolous. Shouldn’t miss work. Shouldn’t be irresponsible. Shouldn’t act so hastily. And a million other reasons why you shouldn’t do what you’ve been wanting to do. The real question, of course, isn’t whether you should or you shouldn’t. Because when it […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired


Oct 15


A Conversation With An Immigrant on U.S. Life

Oct 15, 2010

I had an insightful conversation with a Mexican immigrant the other day. We also might have had a round of margaritas, which could have enhanced the perceived value of the conversation, but nevertheless, I wanted to share it with you. It went something like this: ME: So, I imagine you came here with some expectations […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired


Mar 14


Success Is Where the Heart Is

Mar 14, 2013

He sat in the far corner of the room–no clip board, no notepad, no smile. I couldn’t make out his face–the room was dark and the curtains were drawn. I waited for Al Pacino to bust down the door, cigar in hand. I was seated near the door, at a table, with a woman named […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired


May 11


2 Minute Guide to Reclaiming Your Life

May 11, 2010

If you clicked on this post, you either: a) Need to get a grip. b) Want to reclaim your life. c) Have no time to do either. d) Googled “mating habits of porcupines” and this just came up. e) You read everything I write because you’re secretly plotting my demise. With the exception of letter […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired


I'm a Bad Influence on Women

Hey, I’m Ash! Twenty years ago I was a small town girl growing up in a trailer park in rural Pennsylvania. Fifteen years ago, I lost my family and everything I knew right as I became the first to graduate college. Fourteen years ago, I found myself leaving everything behind for a new life in the city where I could be “normal.” Ten years ago I realized normal was the most disappointing thing that ever happened to me. Nine years ago I quit my job in advertising and pursued my dreams as a creative writer. Eight years ago, I built a 6-figure business doing what I love using nothing more than the Internet and my voice. And now, today, I’m the founder of The Middle Finger Project, an irreverent media co. that helps other women find their voice and teaches them to use it to build whatever the f*ck they want to. With a book coming out with Penguin Random House in February 2020 (YASSS, WE’RE A PRODUCT IN TARGET!) I’m proud to be a bad influence on women and guide them into doing something disobediently brave with their life and their career.

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