ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

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A Scenario You Should Pay Attention To

In: Online Marketing

So let's say your annoying neighbor invites you over for dinner.

Huge bitch.

But you decide to go, anyway, because you don't want to feel like an asshole every time you see her backing her brand new Lexus out of the driveway at the same exact time you and your '98 Toyota are pulling out. Which, conveniently, happens way more than you'd like.

On the night of THE DINNER, you head over with a bottle of wine–secretly hoping she spills it all over her stupid cream-colored silk blouse, so at the very least, you'll be mildly entertained.

For dinner, the neighbor made some asparagus quiche nonsense, while you silently wonder how the fuck to spell quiche, and whether or not she's going to ration your wine intake. Probably will. Yoga-practicing, flaxseed-worshipping whore.

Thank god you're armed with an emergency flask.

So you're chillin' out with your plate full of quiche, when, after some time passes, you finally muster the guts to ask *the* question.

The one that could screw up everything.

The one that could ruin your neighborly good will forever.

The one that could mean a lifetime full of evil eyes and passive aggressive slights.

You decide to ask it anyway.

Would you mind, um. Would you mind passing, uh, passing the salt?

You quickly look to gauge her reaction.

She stays calm.

Quiet.

Composed.

Proper.

And then silently, but obediently, through a clenched jaw, passes you the goods.

Whew.

That's a relief.

At least you've saved her from the even more embarrassing event of having you VOMIT AT THE TABLE.

So what does this ridiculous scenario have to do with anything?

Everything.

You'll find out tomorrow.

In the meantime, you should probably watch this music video. It has nothing to do with anything, and you won't understand the lyrics, but you'll get the point, and it's a good one to get.

Good thing I never promised coherence.

Until tomorrow!

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Feb 12

2013

7 Companies Doing Personality RIGHT.

Feb 12, 2013

Remember that one time every single day when I talked about how giving your business a personality will help you earn trust, differentiate yourself, and sell more to the right people? (As long as you don’t own a funeral home. That could be a tricky one.) Well guess what? It’s your lucky day because…I’m going […]

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Jan 30

2012

Don’t Stand Out – Stand the Fuck Up.

Jan 30, 2012

So. If you recall, in the last post, I made up a ridiculous scenario where you were headed to your fake neighbor’s house for dinner, whose guts you may or may not have secretly hated. She was serving you quiche, at which point you made a face that slightly resembled this—> ?!?!?!?!!!!!. As a result, […]

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Feb 2

2012

Is This Simple Thing Preventing You From Getting More Clients?

Feb 2, 2012

So once upon a time I dated a guy with lots of tattoos who worshiped his mom. Wait. Wait a minute. That has nothing to do with the story. Rewind. Back up. Let’s start again. *clears throat*– Once upon a time, my official job title was “Director of Business Development.” There. That’s better. Right story. […]

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May 19

2017

Businesses Are Like Books: The Best Ones Actually SAY Something

May 19, 2017

The best books are those that say something. That make a statement. Draw conclusions. Make connections. Contribute something new to the discussion. Otherwise, what’s the point in writing it? I think we can all agree that nobody wants to read book after book that regurgitates the same exact thing that they’ve read before. The same […]

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Jan 16

2012

How to Fuck Up a Sale in 27 Minutes Flat (But Still Score a Date)

Jan 16, 2012

The Scene: The United States of America. 9:57 am: Walk into L.A. Fitness. 9:58: Meet stunningly fit individual named Alberto. 10:00: Decide there is some fucked up pheromones wandering around body that insist on me + Latino men. 10:01: Wonder if Alberto’s name really is Alberto. Consider how unsexy it would be to call him […]

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Apr 3

2014

Difference Isn’t About Being Different.

Apr 3, 2014

You know what I’m passionate about? Elephants. Big, giant, hot chartreuse, polka dotted elephants. In the room. Online. Where there’s at least one Nigerian Prince sending out emails with the salutation, “Friend.” (Oh wait, that was me.) Right now, the elephant in the room I’m sitting in is the increasingly common practice of—how should I […]

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Feb 21

2012

How Being Unapologetic Helps Me–And You–Win At Biz

Feb 21, 2012

First of all, if you want teddy bears, get off this blog. Teddy bears and hand holding is for other people. Here, we’re about fresh ones right across the face. I don’t have time for bullshit, and neither do you.–  Second, if you aren’t going to take the quality of your life seriously, get off […]

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Mar 30

2011

Making Money As an Act of Philanthrophy

Mar 30, 2011

Because quotes are sexy. And so is money that feels good to make. BE SOMEBODY. “You want to be rich in order that you may eat, drink, and be merry when it is time to do these things; in order that you may surround yourself with beautiful things, see distant lands, feed your mind, and […]

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