ASH AMBIRGE

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Sales Tip of The Year: Don’t Masturbate.

In: Marketing,

So since I’m in the United States for a hot minute, I have recently acquired a smart phone.

I have three things to say about this:

  1. Apparently, I’m better at coding HTML than I am at texting. Considering I have no fucking idea how to code HTML, you can imagine what kind of interesting text conversations I’ve been having. Particularly when so-called “smart phone” decides to change my texts from, “We’ll be there soon” to “We’ll be there vomiting.” Obviously you aren’t as smart as you think you are, smart phone, because if you were, you’d know that the vomiting comes AFTER we leave, AFTER we drink the vodka.
  2. HOW DO WE STILL NOT HAVE ANY DECENT RING TONES? Is there a token deaf guy somewhere developing these things? Is this his way to get back at the world for his misfortune? No, I don’t want to hear your grandmother’s gong, or feel like a fairy princess just pranced into the room, sprinkling pixie dust all over my fucking carpet. Good lord, I don’t even have a vacuum yet! I need to keep that shit clean!
  3. I now am compelled to photograph and upload any and every single thing I see and think is stupid, consequently forcing anyone who wanted to be my Facebook friend…to really think twice about who they’re asking to become Facebook friends. Am I the only one who saw Winnie the Pooh’s Too Smart for Strangers?  

Speaking of stupid things…

…there I was, pretending to be a well-educated, middle-class, nice young lady the other day while perusing Barnes & Noble, when I saw something that immediately fit my photograph-and-upload requirements:

See those smart phone photography skills at play?

If you’re as blind as me, chances are that you can’t read that introduction, so I’ve taken the liberty to pull the first couple of paragraphs for your reading delight:

“As the world falls deeper into economic downturns and armed conflicts, as communities become more heatedly partisan, and as many workplaces show growing signs of disengagement, issues of credibility remain front and central.

In this thoroughly revised and updated edition of their best selling book, Credibility, Jim Kouzes and Barry Posner explore why leadership is above all a relationship, with credibility as the cornerstone, and why leaders must “Say what you mean and mean what you say.” Building on their more than thirty years of ongoing research, Credibility expands on their seminal work The Leadership Challenge, and shows why credibility remains the foundation of great leadership.”

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddd…..

*cue reader falling asleep and slamming head face first into bowl of Spaghetti O’s*

Ouch.

You see, I’m sure these James + Barry chaps are perfectly intelligent gentlemen.

Furthermore, I’m sure they’ve got some real substance to share. Actually, I think this book is incredibly worthwhile.

But let me ask you something.

Based on that description alone, how much did that book speak to you?

Did that description really stir your juices and make you think to yourself, “Well, now! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for! THIS is what I need!”

Probably not.

Because good ol’ James + Barry (or their copywriter) are having way more fun masturbating, than they are trying to show you how the book is actually relevant.

The topic itself holds a lot of promise, but the way it’s presented? Makes me want to slash some tires.

And that’s the thing.

This isn’t just about book jackets.

You might have the best product out there. You might offer the best service around. You might be the biggest, brightest badass to ever step foot on this humongous ball of rock.

But if the words you choose can’t communicate that…

…then it doesn’t really matter.

Because you won’t be given the opportunity to show it.

So, how to communicate more effectively through the written word?

Stop focusing on your achievements.

Stop focusing on your qualifications.

Stop talking about yourself.

And start trying to CONNECT.

The word “connect” seems overused and overplayed these days, and as such, comes off as superficial. However, that doesn’t mean that the concept itself is any less powerful.

Humans crave connection. Connection in all forms.

And that, right there, is precisely the key when it comes to developing non-icky sales pages + marketing materials (including your homepage!) that turn your customers on and make them feel uplifted…instead of the alternative.

Find what things/ideas/problems/topics–and most importantly, FEELINGS–resonate with them, and then work like a motherfucking dog to translate those thing/ideas/problems/topics/feelings into words that they can CONNECT WITH.

Do that right, and you won’t have to worry about your sales numbers this year.

Or having your customers slam their heads into hot bowls of Spaghetti O’s.

Thank god, because that shit would be awkward.

And now…

I’m off to go wash my mouth out with soap.

Except not really.

Because then I’d be forced to take a picture of it and upload to Facebook.

And with my luck, someone will text me right at that moment, causing that annoyingly optimistic fairy princess ringtone to sound, and then I’ll be the asshole getting electrocuted.

And then some app will launch where some deaf guy pops his head out of the damn phone, points at me, and laughs the entire time.

Go figure.

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19 thoughts on "Sales Tip of The Year: Don’t Masturbate."

  1. Bailey Ana says:

    Oh, I do love reading your blog… Let me count the ways 🙂

    Xx