Work Archives

1 Extra Sale Per Day = $3,000 Extra Per Month—And Here’s How to Get It!

You know how you sit down to write a sales page—and all of the sudden YOU FEEL LIKE THE MOST BASIC BETCH ALIVE? Like, wow, I have absolutely nothing brilliant to say, I’m a dime-a-dozen dingflicker, I sound like one giant, festering cliché, and NOBODY IS GOING TO BUY THIS. NOBODY. This kind of self-consciousness is the worst. You mean-talk yourself because you know that the words on the page don’t even come close to representing you the way you

Apr 28, 2020

3 Magic Tricks for Making Your Product Descriptions GLISTEN—And Your Sales Soar ?

WRITERS WILL BE PAID LIKE DOCTORS. I’ve been predicting this for a long time, in part because I’m a creepy writer monster, but also in part because I’ve been watching the internet carefully for eleventy hundred years, now, and I saw the direction it was going: words are business FUEL—and businesses need more fuel now than ever. Glug, glug, chumpy chomper! (What is a chumpy chomper, you ask? A snooty, well-manicured man wearing light blue Tommy Bahama shorts with little

Apr 24, 2020

Use a Deadline The Way You Use Condoms: Every. Freaking. Time. (And Other Sales Lessons You Need!)

It’s okay, YOU CAN ADMIT IT: You sort of hated me from all of my emails yesterday. It’s okay! I know you did! But then there was this other side of you that was kind of like…weirdly fascinated. Like, damn, Ash is over here takin’ everybody to school—literally—and during a pandemic, at that! A pandemic! WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS? You’re familiar with that last line, right? It’s the same one so many of us are afraid other people

Apr 9, 2020

The Emergency Money Workshop: REGISTER FREE HERE >

BLINDFOLDED PILLOW FIGHTS. That’s what people are resorting to. Putting their hoodies on backwards with the hood part over their face and then trying to whack their spouse with a giant down-stuffed rectangle as they bumble around the living room. (And somehow managing not to knock over the five-hundred porcelain gnome figurines, which I just assume these people have in their house.) I watched that yesterday and you know what I thought? These people need an online business! Or I

Mar 20, 2020

#REALTALK: Here’s What Saved ~My~ Business

Her name was Karen, and Karen did NOT like me. At least, that’s how I took it the day my application came back DENIIIEDDDDD. “Consists of or includes immoral or scandalous matter under Section 2(a).” This was back in 2013. She was an examiner for the United States Patent and Trademark office. I was trying to do the responsible thing by registering the mark for The Middle Finger Project, which had been in-use since 2009. (Better late than never, homies.)

Mar 19, 2020

HOLY OTTER URINE ON A DONUT! If You’re Stressed About $$$, I’m Donating My Time to Help.

Oiwehgiehwoweihgiehwgiehwehighew. That’s basically what my hands WANT to type. Except I am going to force them to say something much more elegant, like: Otter urine! Can of cold farts! Room full of Swiss people! (My personality isn’t a good fit for the Swiss. Anyone who makes you feel like your enthusiasm is about as welcome as a slug in your sandwich should not be on your “Yes, Let Us Hang Out! list.) Assuming people will hang out once again, of

Mar 18, 2020

Rec for Taxes (Save Us All)

I’d rather lick a moldy iguana carcass than do my bookkeeping + taxes. (God, could I use a more disgusting example? GROSS!) But, seriously. I sat down this morning, intent on FINALLY carving out the time to sit down and review my—gag—books, categorize a million transactions, and get together SOME kind of mysterious document to pass over to my CPA, who is growing more and more impatient with monsters like me (because, hi, apparently we shouldn’t be waiting until the

Mar 12, 2020

Can’t Believe I Said This to JENNY F*CKING MCCARTHY

What if I shit myself? This was exactly what I was thinking, yesterday, as I was getting ready to TALK TO A CELEBRITY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. Not because I was nervous, but because I was up the entire night with the ~worst~ waves of stomach cramps—something I blame entirely on the Acai Berry Bowl I ate in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica, the day before. (I mean, it clearly wasn’t the pizza. My body knows what to

Mar 10, 2020

I’m Gonna Be on The Jenny McCarthy Show—YOU GOTTA TUNE IN!

YOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! GET THIS WILD TURKEY! ON MONDAY I’M GOING TO BE LIVE on Jenny McCarthy’s Sirius XM Radio Show from 11:20 – 11:40am ET to talk about the book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS CRAZYYYYY!!! WHO AM I?!?!?! Remember when she was with Jim Motherloving Carrey?! And did you know she’s married to Mark Wahlberg’s brother, Donnie, now—who was a member of The New Kids on the Block? Like, WHAT IF A MEMBER OF THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK KNOWS MY NAME?

Mar 10, 2020

Calling Anyone Who Wants to Write a Book!

(Like, picturing me calling you with a giant buffalo horn as I lather Vaseline in between my legs because clearly we are on the savanna and clearly my legs are chafed as we do this.) Exciting freaking news to share! We’ve just launched a brand-new product in our shop called: The Very Sweary Field Guide for Future Authors—and I think you’re going to freaking dieeeeee when you see this. I created this for anyone who kinda sorta wishes

Feb 22, 2020

Tag: Work