SORRY TO POST THIS ON A SATURDAY. Like, um, boundaries?!?! I hate when people even try to talk to me on the weekend. But I’m doing it to you all the same, because I have been on so many delicious book deadlines (the editing process takes approximately two centuries—and I am also a slow-ass writer), that I have been missing my TMFers like fucking crazy. So here I am, showing up at your house like a love-sick ex-boyfriend who’s holding out a red rose and serenading you with an out-of-tune ukulele in the hopes that you’ll go to prom. (Wear something slutty.)
A couple of updates / rants, while I’ve got a proverbial knife to your throat!
- Furnishing an apartment is EXPENSIVE! What the shit is this? Why do table lamps cost so much? Why did I get a $2,000 bill for knickknacks? Why did the lock on the front door cost $1,000 UNITED STATES DOLLARS? (Granted, the guy was all: “listen, lady, if anybody breaks into the building, they ain’t breakin’ into your apartment.” And of course he said it in an Italian mobster voice. And of course I loved him instantly.) But, seriously, right? Things are expensive. I haven’t had to have things in forever. Maybe ever? You know I’ve been living this nomad life for a decade now, so I’m like: what is this? Is this inflation? Is this Philadelphia? Is this the fact that I am no longer shopping at the Dollar General in Hallstead, Pennsylvania? That said, the apartment is coming along swimmingly. (For those of you who don’t know / follow my ridiculous trysts on Instagram, I bought an apartment in a historic building in Old City, Philadelphia for shits and giggles—but mostly shits, because I am definitely shitting my pants an awful lot.) Eventually, once we do some kitchen and bath renovations, the goal is to make this a killer space that you can also come stay at to take yourself on a little creative retreat—away from the routine of your regular life! Think: quiet time to finish your book, sound-proof rooms for podcasting, recording equipment on-site so you don’t have to lug a Diva Light, and tons of free wine on hand. Fun!
- Speaking of Philly, Queer Eye is filming Season Five here! Which has not a lot to do with anything, but I am telling you because clearly I am cool by association. As soon as I learned this information, I remembered my UK editor at Virgin Books told me she was working on Tan’s book, Naturally Tan, so I emailed her and was like: LUCY GIVE ME THE HOOK-UP IMMEDIATELY. And she did! Apparently he was having a meeting there the next day, so Tan France now officially knows all about The Middle Finger Project—and definitely thinks I’m a stalker, but hopefully I’m a little less of a stalker because we share an editor. So I can be all casual like, “Oh, hey. I think my editor (pinky up, nasal voice) might have mentioned you…” Except really I will be dying and squealing inside. And you better believe we are going to become BFF when they're here in Philly. I may or may not know where they are filming.
- We’ve got an official release date for The Middle Finger Project book! The project I have been working on for years now finally comes out FEBRUARY 11, 2020, BITCHES. Please promise me that when you see it in a Barnes & Noble, or in Target, or at an Amazon store, you will promptly break out in song, make a gigantic scene, and tell every person presently standing in the aisle that YOU KNOW THAT GIRL!!!!! (And then forcibly escort them to the checkout with fifteen copies in their hands.) I’m still working on the cover with the team at Portfolio/Penguin Random House and, you know? This is fun! Even though I don’t know anything about design and when they ask for feedback I’m like, “Um? Just make sure it's going to sell a mega shit ton of books?” Apparently the color yellow is an industry go-to because of how well that color pops on Amazon. The way a book looks online when flicking through Amazon is apparently a huge consideration. I’ve been asked a bunch of times to look at the cover in context, alongside the other covers on the digital shelf. And man, this exercise DOES help a lot. Fascinating stuff! (Want to know what other insider things I've learned about publishing? Go here.) But, seriously: the yellow thing. Go look now and you’ll see sooooo many books have yellow on their covers. It’s kinda creepy, right? You can’t unsee it now. There’s no going back. P.S. We will totally be rocking up with a pre-order campaign because you and me need to hit those fucking bestseller lists, not because we are vain monsters, but because it impacts how many other bookstores pick up your title and how many they stock, etc. And clearly we need “The Middle Finger Project” infiltrating the homes of as many born-again Christians as possible.
- Speaking of being born (man, she just keeps going!), my birthday was Monday and I turned 35. I want nothing to do with this age, for the record. I’d like to return it to the universe and ask for a refund, please. It’s not that anything’s gone wrong—on the contrary—but just the way it sounds displeases me. I’m big on the way things sound. Like, I don’t eat chunky cans of soup, because the word “chunky” just…I can’t. The other day on Instagram I ragged on Gucci because I just cannot get on board with the name. It reminds me of someone wearing very large, tacky gold hoop earrings. That is ALL I can think when I hear that word. And also I went to college with a guy whose last name was “Cucci.” Yup, say that out loud. That could be a contributing factor.
- But you know what I really want to talk about? The fact that I finally did the 23 and Me genetic ancestry + health testing—AND I AM CONVINCED IT IS WITCHCRAFT. Have you done it yet?! Are you going to? You need to. You really do. Mostly because of the health profile which told me, with stunning accuracy, that I prefer salty foods (#truth), that I can’t match a musical pitch to save my life (#TRUTH), that I have detached earlobes (TRUTHHHHH!), that I’ve got brown/hazel eyes (all of this from my saliva!), that I’ve got lighter skin, that I’m likely to have stretch marks, that I don’t have a widow’s peak, and that I get bitten by mosquitos more often than other people. HOW DO THEY KNOW THIS FROM MY SPIT?! It’s just wild. More than that, however, they also said a couple of things I found profoundly amusing, including the fact that I am genetically predisposed to weigh at least 4% more than average (I think they meant 40), and that—get this, ready?—apparently I have a very special genetic variant that allows my fast-twitch muscles to produce a protein called alpha-actinin-3, which means that I have the same muscle composition found in elite power athletes. ELITE POWER ATHLETES, YOU GUYS. I was dying when I read this report. Apparently, this is a protein that 61% of African athletes possess, so basically what I’m saying is, I’m giving up blogging and going to the Olympics. The reports says that I’ll suck at endurance sports, but pop me over to the sprinter’s line and I AM YOUR GIRL. (The other fun thing that came out of that report is the discovery that I’m 32% English and Irish, which obviously explains my sheer obsession with that entire area. The surprising thing was finding out I’m 10% French, and only 8% Italian. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?)
- Now that we’ve gone over my blood work, I also wanted to tell you to mark your calendars once more for something HUUUUGEEEEEEE: I’m proud to be keynoting in London this October 15-16 at a kick-ass conference for women entrepreneurs called MAGIC MAKER LIVE. You have to come! You have to! First, because they’re hosting it in the sexiest ballroom ever in Central London. Second, because they love swearing! Which obviously is a plus. The entire point of the conference is to bring us together to talk biz and fuck-yes strategies in a space that isn’t some bullshit, testosterone-filled marketing conference full of scammers, NOR one of those fruffy, ‘rah-rah’ self-help events, either. They’re all about bringing a bunch of smart rebels together, where we can all wear plenty of funky jewelry, tattoos, and f-bombs. And the last reason you should come? You can get a VIP ticket to go have drinks with me after—and clearly I would love this more than ANYTHING. I want to meet you! I want to drink with you! I want to laugh with you! I want to know you! I’m keynoting on Day One, and the private drink reception with me is on Day One, so that’s the 15th of October, just FYI. And if you buy the VIP pass, you also get to have lunch with Denise Duffield Thomas, keynoting on Day Two, and a whole extra day of mastermind, happening Day Three. What could be better? I’ll tell you what. Nothing. Nothing could be better. I am so pumped about this. And the organizers of the event? Omg, these ladies are awesome. I spent, like, eleven hours on the phone with Nichole because we couldn’t get enough of one another. And I’m pretty sure you’ll feel that way about everybody there. Please, please come. I’d love to see you. ️
- Last but not least, a heads-up: we are phasing out some programs and getting ready to introduce a big, fat new signature program that’s going to be a companion for The Middle Finger Project book when it comes out. I have given so many fun classes over the years, but I’d like to streamline the shit out of things in 2020. Which means that, come next week, I’m going to be running a hilarious and awesome throwback sale where you can grab replays of any of our retired courses, classes and workshops for ultra cheap. Think: How to Get As Many Clients as You Can Handle, How to Come Up With a Memorable Brand Name, How to Start a 6-Figure Copywriting Business, How to Write Emotionally Compelling Copy, and mo’. We get requests all of the time for tons of the classes I’ve given in the past, but haven’t been able to give because of scheduling / logistics / book deadlines / priorities. So we thought we’d make them available to anyone who wants ‘em, starting next week. I’ll keep you posted on that! (Any special requests for a class/course/program/training? Send us an email to ash@themiddlefingerproject.org so we can get your pulse as we create flagship program for The Middle Finger Project.)
Basically what I’m saying is that life is grand and so are you and I love you like crazy and I’m definitely not buying a $700 table lamp.
HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!
Love and smooches,
Ash