ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

Learn More >>

If Somebody Told Me to Pick a Husband at Age Twenty-Three, I’d Likely Be Waking Up Next to Some Guy Who Can’t Spell “Lemon.”

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life

You know why we're all unhappy and restless and jaded and depressed?

LIFE IS BORING US TO TEARS.

Boredom is the devil, but most people don't realize they're bored. They're busy working. They're busy running. They're busy doing ALL THE ERRANDS and keeping up with those fucksticks, The Jones'. It doesn't feel like they're bored, but they are. They're bored with life. They're bored with themselves. They're bored with the very act of breathing.

They're so very busy, but they're still bored. There's confusion between “having a million things to do” and “having meaningful things to do.” Busyness doesn't make you energized. It doesn't delight you or engross you or exhilarate you or light you up. It just makes you busy. And bored. So very, very bored.

You know what the problem is? No intellectual goals. Nobody's got any of those, anymore. We used to have lots of intellectual goals. Getting through mid-terms and then final exams and then the summer and then the school year and then and graduating high school and then getting through college and then interning somewhere and then graduating college and then getting your first job—SO MANY INTELLECTUAL GOALS. And then you're off into the world and then, suddenly, there are no more goals! Massive goal withdrawal! Now you're just suppose to sit there for the next sixty years. Sit there and carry out tasks. Sit there and perform. Sit there and “use your education.” There are no more meaningful milestones, so we started inventing our own. Let's get married! Let's buy a house! Let's have a baby! Let's move to a bigger house! These are all wildly arbitrary milestones, but there they are. We've made them up because we're all so bored with our lives, that we had to invent reasons to get up in the morning. But my god, is no one really thinking this through?

If somebody told me that at age twenty-three that I had to pick the person I was going to wake up to next to for the next seventy years of my life, I'd likely be waking up next to some guy who can't spell “lemon.” Why is it the common practice to sign a life-long, legally binding contract at that age?! Maybe back in the day when there were fields to plow, but things have changed. And frankly, at that age I hardly know what I want or who I am, much less who you are, and how we'll probably want different things in about five minutes, but let's do it! Let's get married!

Listen, MARRIAGE IS FUCKING INSANE. So are babies. Babies are the weirdest thing anyone could ever actually, like, want at that age. It's a thing we do, and it's a thing we've convinced ourselves to want before our eggs shrivel up, because everybody's suppose to like babies, right? And everybody listens to that one friend who keeps blah blah blahing about there never being a “good time,” so now is as good as ever. Right? Wrong. Babies are the fastest way to end your own life if you're not ready. Babies mean wiping the ass of another human being and doing nothing but attending to them all day long, for the next eighteen years, and giving everything else up for that. Why would we do this without being really, really sure we want it? (It's fine if you want it, but make sure it's you who wants it, and not everybody else.)

Ditto jobs, you guys. Why are we still working jobs we hate? Why is that still a thing? Why aren't you doing something about it? THIS IS YOUR MOTHER FUCKING LIFE. The clock is ticking. Your minutes are expiring on this planet, and you're going to blow them all doing some shit you're bored to tears by every day? What are you DOING? Why would you do that?

The good news is this: there's an antidote. And that antidote is intellectual pursuit. Pick a thing you're even mildly interested in and go learn about it. Go do the thing. Study the thing. Immerse yourself in the thing. Become an apprentice. Read a book. Get on that thing called the Internet and read. You don't have to launch a whole new career out of every single thing you're interested in—the point is to stimulate yourself (not like that, perv) and throw some neurons around because YOU ARE DYING OF BOREDOM so of course you're feeling restless and unhappy: your brain is barely on life support. Because brains need input. They need stimulus and provocation and inspiration and refreshment. But we're starving our brains, because we've got our heads so far up our “life journey” path, that we don't even think to deviate. We don't even think at all! Nobody's doing any real thinking, anymore. They're just doing a bunch of random shit on autopilot. Whatever they say, goes. Whatever I'm suppose to do, I'm going to do. Just gonna follow everybody else, on this one. Surely they know best.

They do not know best. Nobody knows better than you. We're all following around a bunch of mouth breathers who are only doing the things they're doing because they don't know any better, either. Let's think! Think! Think! Let's have the courage to be original people. Let's have the courage to have different opinions. Let's have the courage to do something we want to do, just because we want to do it. You do not need a rationalization. You do not need permission. All you need is the desire to do something—then go do it. That's called a hobby. Hobbies are awesome! Who cares if it helps you advance in your career? Who cares if it's practical? Who cares if it's going to cost some money, or some time, or some energy? Not doing anything at all is costing you your life. How embarrassing is that? To let your life expire like an old, moldy tomato.

We are not moldy tomatoes.

We are human beings with rich, rich ideas and deep, deep feelings, and even more wonderful dreams—even if they've been tucked away for a while. It's such a good thing, having ideas. In the past, people used to be persecuted for having their own ideas, but now you can have an original thought without going to jail. Take advantage of that! Be the kind of person you're proud to know. Be the kind of person you'd look up to.

There's a lot of talk going around, these days, about finding meaning, but I can't help but wonder if maybe we should stop listening.

Maybe we should start doing, instead.

Oct 26

2012

I Need Help. (Not That Kind of Help, Jerk.)

Oct 26, 2012

In preparation for my upcoming trip to Costa Rica, Panama & Colombia, I spent $258.92 at Zara Chile yesterday. I walked out with three new pairs of daisy dukes that I will inevitably think look better on me than they actually do, as well as a ripped up white-washed jean skirt, and a top or […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

Oct 22

2013

You Think The Stakes Are High Now? Please.

Oct 22, 2013

I wonder about people. Specifically about the 50-something woman speaking softly at the table next to me, telling another woman how she desperately wants to go abroad—because, verbatim, it would be the opportunity of a lifetime—but… And her words trail off. JUST LIKE HER DREAMS. Kidding. Dramatic doesn’t look good on me. But, really. What […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

May 10

2018

WE ARE WASTING OUR BRAINS ON BULLSHIT (And Other Darling Sentiments)

May 10, 2018

You know those creeps who never drink any water and you’re all, “BUT YOUR CELLS! YOUR CELLS ARE SHRIVELING LIKE LITTLE CALIFORNIA RAISINS!”  (Unless this is the kind of thing that only goes through my brain, in which case, welcome to my inner landscape, ya’ll.) I feel the same way about time. There are so many people who aren’t drinking […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life

READ ME >>

Jul 30

2010

On NOT “Following Your Dreams”

Jul 30, 2010

You know, this whole “follow your dreams” thing is getting a little old, right? Coming from me, that’s probably surprising. But the problem is that so much of it is fluff. So much out there encourages you to start “living the life of your dreams,” while frolicking on a big white puffy cloud and nibbling […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

Nov 28

2012

Marilyn Monroe Wouldn’t Give a Damn.

Nov 28, 2012

Remember earlier this year… …when I sauntered over to Ecuador and had a twelve year old pierce my nose, as well as agreed to having a random Ecuadorian man sit on top of me on the beach to doodle all over my back with a mysterious black, sticky ink? Maybe we didn’t know each other […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

Feb 11

2010

Education & Wage Slavery: Hand In Hand?

Feb 11, 2010

A no-nonsense look at the education system’s hidden agenda–why we’re being taught what to think, instead of how to think, and how this affects not only us, but the bigger picture at hand. Put on your thinking caps for this one. (P.S. Please don’t egg my house if this makes you angry.)

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

Mar 9

2012

Blow Off Work Today. That’s An Order.

Mar 9, 2012

I’ve been thinking about joy lately. I don’t particularly care for the word; every word has its own personality, and the word joy seems to conjure up an image of an old lady with dentures and pearls. The word just feels outdated. Mothballesque, if you will. Nevertheless, the concept remains. It’s stuck in my mind ever […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

I'm a Bad Influence on Women

Hey, I’m Ash! Twenty years ago I was a small town girl growing up in a trailer park in rural Pennsylvania. Fifteen years ago, I lost my family and everything I knew right as I became the first to graduate college. Fourteen years ago, I found myself leaving everything behind for a new life in the city where I could be “normal.” Ten years ago I realized normal was the most disappointing thing that ever happened to me. Nine years ago I quit my job in advertising and pursued my dreams as a creative writer. Eight years ago, I built a 6-figure business doing what I love using nothing more than the Internet and my voice. And now, today, I’m the founder of The Middle Finger Project, an irreverent media co. that helps other women find their voice and teaches them to use it to build whatever the f*ck they want to. With a book coming out with Penguin Random House in February 2020 (YASSS, WE’RE A PRODUCT IN TARGET!) I’m proud to be a bad influence on women and guide them into doing something disobediently brave with their life and their career.

Enter your email address and I’ll send you my advice column every week sharing everything I’ve learned—and so much more.

But no serial killers. I promise I won’t send those.

Privacy Policy Info Here