ASH AMBIRGE

Author, CEO & Founder

Learn More >>

Top 25 Signs You Need to Make a Change, Gain Self-Respect and/or Say No To Busch Light

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

Dear Anheuser-Busch,

I'm sorry for throwing you under the bus after all of the good times we shared over the years. Even though we must part ways, we'll always have Freshman year.

Dear Reader,

If you've been hanging out here for a while, you know that topics can tend to get a little heavy.  And while big ideas are cool, over-seriousness is against my very being, and, well, sort of makes me want to vomit.  So for that reason, I've decided to, errr, not be serious today.  There.  That's my disclaimer.  And look?  It wasn't even in fine print.  Whoever said I wasn't a good Samaritan?

Love,
Ashley

Top 25 Signs You Need to Make a Change, Gain Self-Respect and/or Say No To Busch Light

1. Two words: Facial Hair.   Ladies–I'm talking to you.

2. In anticipation for Monday morning, you nearly have a mental breakdown every Sunday night, as you hold your knees to your chest while calmly rocking back and forth, quietly humming the tune from Aretha Franklin's “I will survive.” This is not normal behavior, and if you are doing this, I strongly encourage you to:

a)  Seek counseling.  Get hypnotized.  Tie yourself to a chair covered in bombs, a la What About Bob.  Whatever it takes.

b)  Visit Steve Pavlina's blog every single free moment you've got.  Memorize.  Repeat.

c)  Dramatically increase your consumption of red wine.  This may be the only thing I'm actually serious about in this entire post.  Except for maybe letter E.

d)  Banish all thoughts of slashing your boss' tires–replace them with thoughts of how you can get his next conference call to “accidentally” dial into a porn hot line. That should be amusing.

e)  Go to church; the office will seem so much more appealing thereafter.

f)  As a last resort, binge on fruit roll ups.  (What? I like them.)

3. You're starting to wish that life had subtitles. Though, I think the real benefit to this would occur in bed; you'd be able to translate all of your “ooohhhs” and “ahhhs”–and whatever else you people say in bed–into Italiano with the click of a button.  And how attractive is that?  Even better–the reverse.   Now anytime your lover says, “Are we almost done?” at least you'll have no idea that you're no good in bed.  See?  Self-respect pre-served.

4. If your lover actually does ask “Are we almost done?,” let that be another sign. A big one. With neon orange and green flashing lights.

5. You mix up “their” & “there.” Actually, this isn't a sign of anything except, well–you fill in the blank–but since this is my blog post & and it's one of my biggest pet peeves, I only thought it right to include it.  I will only regret it if I ever do a post on pet peeves down the road and then I'll be really mad that I already used such a good one here, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

6. You actually use the phrase “we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

7. You've amused yourself for hours, sculpting a glazed ham into the likes of Rush Limbaugh.

8. You think Sean Ogle is the best thing since electric wine bottle openers.

9. Just kidding. Sean Ogle might very well be the best thing since electric wine bottle openers, which is a huge compliment.  But only because he's going to purchase my plane ticket to Thailand. (Subliminal–or not-so-subliminal–messages can't hurt, right?)

10. You're still telling your mom jokes. Wait, I take that back.  I still tell your mom jokes, and refuse to believe that I need any self-respect.  Your mom jokes are just too much fun.  So is making out with random strangers.  But I digress.

11. You find yourself fantasizing over cheese whiz. Nice and slow, now, put down the can. (Note:  At first I wrote “cheese whip,” and knew something wasn't right, but couldn't figure out what was wrong with it.  Apparently I need to start mainlining caffeine, stat.)

12. You speed up when people pass you, and turn it into a personal challenge. If you do do this, be sure that:

a) The other person isn't OJ Simpson.

b) Your car can actually go over 55 mph.

c) There isn't a railroad crossing. That could get really tricky, and unless you're Vin Diesel, I'm going to bet that things probably won't work out.

13. Your bed sheets have cartoon characters all over them. I don't care who you are–if you're over the age of twelve, this is weird.  Especially if you are planning on inviting me over anytime soon.  Or any other member of the opposite sex, with the exception of Avril Lavigne.  I just have a feeling she rolls like that.

14. The most fun you've ever had was watching George Bush get hit in the head with a shoe over and over again.

15.  Today, someone threw change into your coffee cup because they thought you were homeless. Do avoid all temptation to chase them down the street yelling, “You don't get it!  I'm a rebel, man! Suits are for losers!

16. Speaking of coffee, substituting real sugar for artificial sweetener in your coffee is the most adventurous thing you've done lately. Man, was it a rush.  (C'mon, everyone loves a good pun now and again, right?)

17. You make bets with yourself on who's going to win American Idol, Dancing With The Stars & Lost.  Clearly Dancing With the Stars is the only one that matters.  *twiddles thumbs & whistles innocently*

18. Farmtown. Enough said.

19. You really want to purchase OnStar, just so you can have someone to talk to.

20. You've never experienced the magic otherwise known as Frank's Hot Sauce.

21. You cry when the alarm clock goes off.

22. Facebook is the only reason anyone ever remembers your birthday.

23. Facebook is the only reason you ever remember anyone else's birthday.

24. You regularly read obituaries so you know in advance where all of the good estate sales are going to be.  Or for any other reason, really.

25. The name of your blog is called “The Middle Finger Project.” Seriously, what kind of a person would name something that?

Jun 25

2012

A Tearful Birthday

Jun 25, 2012

Yesterday was my birthday. I flew from Ecuador to Chile on Friday so I could spend my birthday with my best girl friends in the whole wide world. Sure enough, they surprised me in the airport with glittery welcome back posters, prompting me to scream like a hyena. I had no idea they were coming. […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

Jun 14

2019

If You Ain’t Feelin’ Your Work Anymore: HONEY, BURN THAT ISH DOWN.

Jun 14, 2019

So, here’s an idea: making money is not courageous. Anybody can ring a bell for twenty years. “Look, ma—I’ve been standing over here ringing this bell for two entire decades—durh, durh, durh—and I finally got a sticker!” Making money is a relatively straightforward consequence of showing up to breathe in the right place. Cause and […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired, Feeling Disillusioned With Life, Hate Your Job?

READ ME >>

Oct 26

2012

I Need Help. (Not That Kind of Help, Jerk.)

Oct 26, 2012

In preparation for my upcoming trip to Costa Rica, Panama & Colombia, I spent $258.92 at Zara Chile yesterday. I walked out with three new pairs of daisy dukes that I will inevitably think look better on me than they actually do, as well as a ripped up white-washed jean skirt, and a top or […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

Oct 22

2013

You Think The Stakes Are High Now? Please.

Oct 22, 2013

I wonder about people. Specifically about the 50-something woman speaking softly at the table next to me, telling another woman how she desperately wants to go abroad—because, verbatim, it would be the opportunity of a lifetime—but… And her words trail off. JUST LIKE HER DREAMS. Kidding. Dramatic doesn’t look good on me. But, really. What […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

May 21

2012

Fuck Shit Balls I Didn’t Finish Those Edits, Yet. And Other Stuff That Doesn’t Matter. (In Memory of Enrique.)

May 21, 2012

So I’m not sure what you did yesterday, but I, for one, witnessed somebody drown. You’re probably thinking I’m joking, because who mentions something like drowning so nonchalantly? But I am not, unfortunately, joking. And while I’m calm now, yesterday I was anything but. It was sunset, and I was with my Costa Rican girlfriends […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

May 31

2016

“Ding, Ding, Ding! You Can Have Fun Now!”

May 31, 2016

I’m going to England tomorrow. By which I mean I’m stepping inside a long metal torpedo and sitting my fat ass down on some murky blue pleather for an exact distance of 5,429 miles across a cold, dreary ocean that always makes me wonder things I shouldn’t ever wonder. Like: Would I actually remain calm […]

In: Feeling Dead and Uninspired

READ ME >>

Exclusive VIP Access

Enter your email to start your own middle finger project and get all sorts of colorful inspiration + know-how straight into your inbox to help you quit your job, do what you love, and start the side hustle of your dreams.

Don’t worry, there will be plenty of f-bombs.

Privacy Policy Info Here