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Alert Your Accountant: This Post Is About To Make You More Money.

In: Online Marketing

I used to think there were only two types of people: Those who would get busy in a church parking lot, and those who wouldn't.

Forget politics–this is the stuff that really divides.

And of course, if we're following the script, the next sentence you're expecting to come charging out of my fingers should go something along the lines of: “But now, I've had this profound, striking, life-affirming realization that has altered the way I think about EVERYTHING, now and forevermore, and really there are two other types of people!”

Well guess what. I'm not gonna say that. That would be a dumb sentence.

What I really want to say is that—surprise!—we're all about the fucking same.

In other words, your mailman cries when he watches Ghost, too. (Do people still have mailmen?)

Mothers secretly fear they'll someday be locked away in a nursing home and forgotten.

Secretaries secretly fear others think this was the best they could do in life. (For the record, it's not.)

Writers secretly feel that every page they've written is shit.

Life coaches secretly hate the word “life coach.”

New girl at work secretly spends two hours fretting over what to wear each day so you'll like her.

The woman working in the same department secretly fears new girl will steal all of the attention with her ideas. (And maybe her boobs.)

And that guy you like? He secretly feels like you might laugh in his face while gleeking and simultaneously uploading a photo of you doing so with the caption: “In your dreams, idiot!” Which is why he's not asking you to to see Tarantula Man Three because he might be ruined forever.

Which is precisely why I'm issuing a challenge to your marketing efforts.

A challenge to stop thinking about how you + your company are different from your competitors…and instead, consider how you're exactly the same as your customers.

By doing so, you'll not only become more relatable–and therefore more trustworthy, fresh, human and someone people naturally want to give their money to–you'll differentiate yourself from your competitors by default.

Because while your competitors are busy keeping up with the Jones', you'll be busy keeping up with their customers.

Better alert your accountant.

Jun 25


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Anytime I’ve seen a man in khaki, I’ve thought horrible things about his package. Maybe because they remind me of grandfathers. Or maybe because they remind me of Mr. Rogers. Either way, no female has ever wanted her boy friend to look like a boy scout. Khaki spells uptight. Conservative. Narrow-minded. Bourgeois. Which is why I […]

In: Online Marketing


Jun 27


Looks Aren’t Superficial When It Comes to Making Money

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So I buy these B12 supplements the other day—BECAUSE APPARENTLY MY BODY IS ALL, OH, VITAMIN B, HAHA, THAT’S CUTE—and it comes in this sturdy little bottle that feels very important, and I’m all excited because obviously I think that I’m doing a good deed slash being a responsible adult. So I go to open […]

In: Online Marketing


Jan 10


The 11 Word Equation for Surefire Business Success

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How you shine + How you can help others shine= BUSINESS BRILLIANCE Take a hard look at that, and really think about what that means. It’s the only equation you need to know. The rest are details that can be sorted along the way. So, what are you waiting for? Do the math, and get […]

In: Online Marketing


Mar 3


Attention Is The Motherfucking Currency. OWN IT.

Mar 3, 2012

Yo. Just wrote an update to my Behind Closed Doors group, and thought it might be useful to share with you here, too. (Behind Closed Doors is my insider group where several times a week I put out quick-hit emails like the one below, sharing the deets on my own marketing + sales strategies for […]

In: Online Marketing


Jan 14


What You Say Is More Important Than What You Sell

Jan 14, 2014

What you say is more important than what you sell.  Creativity is not a child’s luxury; it’s a smart business strategy. If you’re wondering whether creativity is a waste of time; if you’re convinced that  “your product / service / website will speak for itself,” then think twice: Because creativity, as it’s usually defined, is […]

In: Online Marketing


Oct 11


How Dating Chilean Men Can Help You Succeed In Business. Kind of. And Why Bloody Noses Are Not Okay, Which Is Not Related to The Story At All, But You Should Read About It, Anyway.

Oct 11, 2011

So the other day there was a guy. Isn’t there always a guy? Anyway, the other day there was a guy, and I may or may not have been kissing said guy. Said guy is so attractive, that I’m almost nervous to be kissing him, because, as we all know, when you’re kissing really attractive […]

In: Online Marketing


Feb 27


Get Yourself Some Enemies

Feb 27, 2014

Elementary school ruined everything. They tattooed horrible cliches onto our 8 year old hearts to “think big!” — “aim high!” — “walk with your head down in single file OR DIE” — — which probably explains New York City. While I know they REALLY wanted you to become an astronaut (or at least make sure you knew how […]

In: Online Marketing


Nov 17



Nov 17, 2017

I just got done doing a live video sesh with my Unf*ckwithable Girlfriends, and one author got on and was telling us that she’d recently attended a comic convention where her ideal target market was hanging out, making it much easier for her to sell her books—as opposed to getting on the giant black hole […]

In: Online Marketing


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